How does one attain a happy life?
My first piece of advice is: Maintain a sense of humor. LAUGHING MAY NOT CURE IT, BUT IT SURE HELPS TO ENDURE IT. Some years ago, there was a study that showed that humor could be therapeutic. As I remember, a cancer patient hired a comedian to help him get better. He reported that the laughing helped cure him of cancer. (I suspect the chemotherapy helped too.) Not scientific, to be sure, but interesting. Other studies have shown the beneficial chemicals are secreted into the bloodstream when individuals are made to laugh. Thus, laughing not only makes you feel better, it actually may make you better. Even physicians sometimes resort to darkly humorous discussions to help relieve the burden of caring for sick people. “Grin and Bear It” may be better advice than we thought.
Generosity is another trait that will keep you happy. YOU CANNOT HIDE A GENEROUS HEART. I am not sure whether you can learn to be generous or if it is born within you. Generosity seems to be a personality trait, likes obsessive-compulsive behavior or anxiety, but more productive. Parents may nurture the behavior: A born-generous person will be even more generous if his/her parents set the example. And the trait is often exhibited early in childhood: kindness, helpfulness, good-natured spirit. It is hard to hide it! And it only grows stronger with time, even if circumstances do not allow its expression by means of money. I have seen many poor people contribute amounts much greater in proportion to their income than wealthier people with much more to give. Generosity is not always measured in dollars. Rather, it is heartfelt.
Generosity also may be expressed by personal interactions: NO ONE IS A “nobody” IF HE OR SHE HAS EVER BEEN LOVED. When someone expresses concern for another person, there is an immediate response from the “cared for” person. Think of the comfort you felt from your mother’s cool kiss on your feverish forehead when you were a small child. Think of your wife or husband’s response when you first said “I love you”. Think of your response when they answered in kind. Love is a powerful force. It can make you sick or elevate you to a high plane. Give it freely. There is always more to give, and always someone who needs it.
Like Benjamin Franklin, I also advise a good marriage to keep you happy: A SONG IS MORE THAN JUST WORDS AND MUSIC. Singing is good for you. It warms your heart and clears your lungs. It is hard work, and, if you are good enough, it brings joy to others – a worthy endeavor. But which component entertains more, the words or the music? Personally, I think that some songs are good – no, better – without words. Likewise, some lyrics sound better as poems sans musique. But when the two are entwined correctly, they can move you to tears or make you dance or entice you to sing along. Now for the analogy: I think that marriage is like a song. It combines “words” and “music” to produce a “song” which is better than just the sum of its parts. And a good marriage makes everyone want to sing along!
One more thought about marriage and other relationships:
AS SOON AS THERE IS A BUMP IN THE ROAD, PEOPLE WANT TO GET OUT OF THE BUS. For many people, marriage is a good thing, but marriage is not easy. There are plenty of times when two people who live together will get in each other’s hair. They will disagree about activities, décor, and especially about money. (The same thing also applies to people who share a business, especially the part about money!) But stay in the bus! For many marriages, discussion and compromise can bridge any differences. If two people truly love each other, the disagreements are just that: disagreements. They do not indicate a loss of love, only a temporary “bump in the road.” Together, you will find a way over or around it to where the road is smooth again.
There is happiness, too, in good friendships. In general, PEOPLE ARE FUN TO GET TO KNOW: THEY ARE AS VARIABLE AS SNOWFLAKES, BUT NOT SO FRAGILELY CONSTRUCTED. Throughout your life, you will meet 100’s of people. Some you will get to know as friends, while others will be less memorable. The only commonality amongst these diverse people is their differences. Each of us is unique. In some way, we sparkle – like the crystals of a snowflake. And just as you need to use a microscope to see the differences amongst the snowflakes, so you must look past the external appearances of people to recognize their inner qualities. Fortunately for most of us, those unique crystalline parts of our personalities are a bit less fragile than the snowflake crystals – or are they?
Remember also that KINDNESS CAN YIELD DIVIDENDS THAT ARE NOT ACCOUNTABLE IN A LEDGER. I have never been disappointed from performing a kind deed. First of all, I felt good. The simple act of helping another person rewards you with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. (Some would say it is “God’s work.”) Second, the recipient of my kindness is usually better as well. Such a deal! One act, two winners! Where else can you get this? What is more, I have always felt that somewhere down the road, someone will return the kindness to me. I have not kept a ledger, but I’ll bet I’m in the black.
Because EVERYONE NEEDS A DAY IN THE SUN. So, give praise to those who deserve it. No, don’t let that “thank you” or “good job” go unsaid. The person you praise will bask in that warmth for hours or days. Your generous words will give greater meaning to the task that was done and invoke a sense of purpose and commitment to the tasks ahead. It is “cheap” to give, and it is “value-added” (worth more than an intrinsic measurement). Don’t be bashful, step up and use it. Generous praise works!
And please do not forget about real communication: THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN “LONELY” AND “LOVELY” IS ONLY A PENSTROKE. Written communication with family, friends and acquaintances is one of the ways in which we humans express our thoughts and feelings. Animals communicate, to be sure, but they cannot write and have no words by which to express their thoughts (at least not interpretable to us). Our ability to speak and write sets us apart from other creatures. Yet the art of letter-writing is nearly passé. E-mail has helped restore some written communication, but they just do not replace a hand-written note. So, no shorthand here: (CUJ). Force yourselves: “Hope to hear from you soon. Love to all…” That is lovely.
One more piece of advice, especially when you are working with others: Don’t look for the solution to a tough problem in one session. Instead, TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET; IT MAY LEAD TO SOMETHING YOU REALLY WANT. I taught my surgery students this little aphorism that I learned from experience: Life’s problems are a lot like surgical procedures. If you can just get a piece of the problem under control, it may lead to the solution of the whole problem. So don’t give up on what looks like an impossible task. Try nibbling around the edges and you just may find that loose thread that unravels the whole thing.
And one final thought about a happy life: WOULD THAT WE COULD HAVE AN ARTIST’S EYE, A SINGER’S EAR, and A POET’S TONGUE The world we perceive is wondrous. Beautiful scenes surround us – if we only would look. But our eyes glaze over, too busy with reading, driving, looking, but not seeing. And the sounds of the wind, the rain and the birds: They are drowned out by car horns and airplanes. We speak to each other with words, but they may as well be grunts for their lack of beauty and poetry. We must take time to stop, look, and listen – not for the train – but for the wonders about us, and the wonders of each other.
EPILOGUE
LOSS CAN BE GAIN.
SUN FOLLOWS RAIN.
RELIEF FOLLOWS PAIN.
HOPE CAN OBTAIN.
Thirteen words, four sentences - close to the sum total of my entire philosophy for living: THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING BETTER TO COME IN THIS LIFE. No matter how bad things seem, I always look for that next good thing to come. It sustains me. It is the essence of a “good life.” Not acquisitions, not money, not even fame –these are not the measure of how good your life is or has been. But an optimistic attitude – that is worth far more than gold. Hope still obtains – for all of us.
FIN
